I didn’t want to publish it. Too personal and too much. But it (shared privately) saved at least one man and if it saves even one more I’d be glad.
It will be raw and barely edited. I won’t edit it, it was direct response to Madd Monk in private trying to save him from what hit me really bad.
Read at your own risk.
All right. I don’t know why are you going to therapy but it my case I am myself BPD on a spectrum with massive abandonment issues. No wonder that thing with my BPD girl turned into Netflix TV drama series.
I bet my whole promiscuity PUA thing comes from BPD. I abandoned my family and got divorced to pursue promiscuity.
What BPD do really well is mirror. I am guilty of that myself. I’ll mould my approach, my behaviour and parts of my personality to suit the particular woman I am with. To make her like me because I am like her.
So what that girl did is the same. Instant connection on a first date. Two weeks later she’s already cooking me meals, brings me some treats when she comes, walls of texting every day for hours. It feels like you found a soulmate. Both pretty open about past promiscuity. She was sexually abused as a kid so that was first red flag and basically how I knew she’s BPD. Plus other stuff like inability to keep a relationship for longer than 5 months. With me she did one year. The most she ever did. And me too, apart from my marriage.
I did my part of love bombing. A lot of texting, all the attention, taking her out on wild nights out. Every meet is an adventure. Ended up taking her to the motorcycle ride to the beach where we made out on a sand during the sunset like in cheap Netflix romantic drama.
All within a first month. Instantaneous “falling in love”. She was obviously wild and crazy like your girl. All that jazz. Fun is through the roof. Fuck three to five times over a day or two. Sex is ridiculously hot. Both into each other. Even though she wasn’t even that hot. Just your average six. Sounds familiar?
I knew the mirroring thing was complete when we started to have same thoughts at the same time and speak the same things at the same time and text the same things at the same time. That feels like you found your other half.
Slowly she started to push my boundaries. Demanding more of my time. Staying over for first two days in a row, then pushed to three days. Then we would randomly meet more. I had a once per week for a day rule but she was so fun that I succumbed. I was having fun too. And all the love I received. No other women did that. Bla bla. Reminds you of something? Like you were setting boundaries with your girl and she kept pushing and pissing on them. Right?
I made it clear to her I am not doing monogamy yet she slowly started a covert contact by constantly reminding me she doesn’t fuck anyone else. She was saying that mantra “one dick is enough for me”. Yet she would still go out and party with her slut girlfriend and flirt with guys and play them but not fuck them. Just enjoying all the attention. She would play dumb loaded guys to buy her gift and such without sex. One guy bought her 2500 dollars handbag. Unbelievable.
Now, two months in the first thing happened. You know BPD’s deep issue in a lack of identity and self worth. They (maybe me too) don’t really deep inside believe they can be loved. So when the love happens first thing they do is try to unconsciously push it away. In her case she did the classic BPD thing of running away.
She found a job in another state for one month and went there. Leaving me to my own devices. But before she did she caught me swiping on Tinder. That triggered her bad. She was crying all night and keep telling me “why you?” She couldn’t understand why she hooked on me. Well, she hooked on me because I have similar issues. Two way clinging co-dependent trauma bond.
As she went away I hooked up with some other chick and kept hooking up with her even my BPD chick came back and we reconnected. Unfortunately due to my stupidity she saw a nude of my hook up girl on my phone. She went nuclear with jealousy. At the same time she kept pushing my boundaries and covertly demand monogamy and relationship.
At this point in time I was busy with work and my music projects and no time to properly do pickup so I thought I might just have a girlfriend for the time being and I finally told her I dumped the hook up chick and we can do the boyfriend girlfriend thing for a change.
The whole relationship was an emotional roller coaster. Love you, hate you. I am monogamous with you but you are a slut. Not now. But once slut always a slut. It was two way emotional abuse in a nutshell. I did my part as well when she would gaslight me into an emotional frenzy.
These BPD girls will drive you nuts. Literally. You’ll lose your mind in their twisted mind games. They don’t do it because they are bad people. It’s just how they are. Unconscious behaviour for protection of their fragile self. I would gaslight her as well as I am the same. I would start drama no less than her.
Sooner or later BPD execute the discard strategy. In our twisted game I was the first to strike. Not to be abandoned you must abandon first! That’s how BPD thinks.
But I needed a good reason and the reason I got. I discovered what this bitch did is, one month after we agreed on a relationship, she cheated on me and then hid it for over three months. When I asked why she told me it’s to see how I felt when I hooked up when she was away. Twisted sick logic of BPD. When I “cheated” we weren’t in an official relationship but in her head we were so what I did constituted cheating. That’s how BPD think.
So I executed my BPD discard. I threw her away from my apartment on Christmas Day just before the new year. Three days later she already hooked up with some dude. Later she told me it felt disgusting and she regretted it immediately. Another BPD thing. Do something impulsively and then immediately regret it.
I felt on the top of the world when I discarded her. I won. The biggest mistake was I didn’t cut contact permanently. I just stopped taking to her. I went monk mode for six weeks. Lost 6kg of weight. Joined hiking groups. Going out by my own and having fun. She was frantically following my every adventure story on Instagram.
After six weeks I went back to dating. Went totally nuts. On one occasion I had eight dates eight days in a row with six different women. Eventually I hooked up with the hottest black girl I ever fucked and another random Asian.
She went back to another state to visit her parents and hooked up with some guy there. She was also monk mode for six weeks before that.
My mistake was to reconnect to her and apologise for my abusive texts and other stuff I did shortly before we broke up. She immediately latched on it and weaseled her way back into my life. She couldn’t stand being abandoned by me.
She found an excuse to come to my place. We talked for hours. She admitted that she was delusional about the real relationship and we are both essentially non-monogamous, yada yada. Eventually we fucked and the energy was double of what we had before. It was out of this world.
It was all a lie. She still wanted me all for herself. So I told her why don’t we stay friends with benefits for a time being. Do a couple of months trial. Get to one year mark of our relationship and see what happens.
What happened is another round of emotional roller coaster. But this time the ups and downs went completely insane. We both admitted we are “in love” with each other. Then I would refuse to have any future with her and we would slide into endless drama and heated arguments.
She would keep saying she’s not a slut anymore and needs a stable relationship bla bla. I told her to go and find a stable boyfriend to get her that security and fuck me on a side.
At some point I randomly rubbed on her face that I will not be monogamous with anyone. We had a scheduled phone call at 10pm but at 9:50pm I got a random match on Tinder and she wanted to meet immediately. I hung up on my BPD girl when she called and went on a Tinder date that ended up in ONS hook up.
She sent me walls of text all night from the bar where she went and got drunk and flirted with guys obviously but didn’t hook up with anyone. I rubbed it on her face next morning that I was doing a Tinder hook up.
Another feature of BPD is if you hurt them, they can become very revengeful. But I am a monster myself so I put her in a bind. She couldn’t retaliate by doing a revenge fuck because that would prove that she’s still a slut I called her. So she went ahead and found herself a boyfriend prospect. The older loaded guy who was looking for monogamous girlfriend. She went on two dates with him and obviously let me know all the details.
I kept going on dates with randos but my stress levels were so high my vibe was totally off and I couldn’t close any deals. Chicks would run away from me. And then she did something horrible. She finally banged her boyfriend dude on a weekend and then lied to him in the morning she was going home and run straight to me to fuck me.
She lied to me she used condom with the guy. She admitted later it was raw and he blew in her. So I was basically banging her raw with another dude’s cum still inside her pussy.
You see where I am going? At that time I lost any ability to think rationally. It was madness going on due to obsession with this woman.
She pissed on all my boundaries again and again. We had an agreement to not use phones at my place yet she started texting this boyfriend dude under pretence he was controlling and she needed to lie to him where she were.
I booked a hotel room for our one year anniversary but she discarded me one week prior. See, now she had to execute the ultimate revenge for my discard. By discarding me. She already lined up this boyfriend dude as her next victim.
She explained that she can’t do it anymore. That she’s planning to settle down with the boyfriend. Bla bla. On our last day we fucked and it was the hottest fuck of my life. Afterwards she called her boyfriend lying naked in my bed to lie to him where she were. Then she left. You see, BPD compulsively lie. You can’t trust anything they say. The story will change every time it is told.
That day in the evening my own abandonment issues kicked in and I had total mental and emotional breakdown. I spare you the details but it was clinical. Two weeks after I had a clinical episode of paranoia and severe dissociation (another BPD feature apparently present in moderate way in BPD but not usually clinical). My mental state was in turmoil for another two months. I had to do crisis management with the shrink for paranoia and breakdown because it was that serious. In am still on mood stabiliser meds.
On the advise of a shrink I cut all contact with her. I deleted all photos from my phone. I burnt all cards she gave me. I cut and threw away polaroid pictures. I discarded to the bin all items that reminded me of her. I try to erase her whole existence from my life.
That’s what BPD girl will do to you if you don’t know what you are dealing with. Do preemptive dumping and cut all the contact. This is the only way to win if you already hooked on her.
PS. As you can see I’ve done all four stages of BPD cycle myself:
- Love bombing (attention, affection, fun, sex, connection)
- Devaluation (she was a slut and also a cheater)
- Discard (I dumped her first)
- Hoovering (I kept her number and eventually apologised opening up the possibility of reconnection)
That’s why no contact is so important. To prevent the cycle from repeating.
Yoylo PUA 